How Your Goals Lead You Astray

I once coached a client who had a turbulent relationship with her 9-year-old son. She explained that they would get in loud arguments almost daily, leaving them both emotionally hurt and exhausted.

When I asked her what she wanted to change and what her preferred outcome was, she answered something interesting. She told me that she would prefer to have these arguments less often, "maybe just once a week or so".

I was deeply confused. "So you're telling me that your goal is to have hurtful arguments with your son on a weekly basis?"

"Well, no, of course not", she exclaimed.

"But isn't that the end result if you achieve your preferred outcome?", I challenged.

She just stared at me. Then she smiled. She got the message.

When it comes to goal-setting, we tend to let our fears and doubts cloud our vision. Our unconscious assumptions confine our minds, limiting our ability to imagine outcomes that differ from our current experiences. In this example, my client couldn't even imagine a future where she didn't experience unnecessarily hurtful arguments with her son. Such blurred vision will often cause us to set goals that are uninspiring, pointless or even counterproductive.

One of my favorite ways to deal with this problem is the following question,
"In a perfect world, what would be ideal in this situation?"

After a while, my client said that her preferred outcome would be for the two of them to navigate disagreements in a healthy and productive manner. For her, this meant that they wouldn't raise their voices or withdraw emotionally after a disagreement.

Now that's a goal! Let's break down why it's great:

First of all, she detached from the unconscious assumption that hurtful arguments are a natural and necessary part of their relationship. This goal is rooted in better assumptions, a new paradigm.

It also considers what we coaches call ecology. If she achieves this outcome, she will enjoy a loving relationship with her son, even if they do engage in conflict at times.

Alternatively, my client could have decided that her goal would be to never argue with her child ever again. While such an ambition would be admirable, it fails to account for the fact that conflicts are an integral part of human relationships.

The result of such a goal might be that any conflicts are swept under the rug, and emotional pain is suppressed until it becomes explosive and does irreversible damage to the relationship.

My client's wisdom shines through her revised goal, because it states an ideal outcome that's right for her, while she still accounts for natural and necessary aspects of life.

Over to you, dear reader. Do you have any goals that originate from fear, scarcity and doubt? Do any of these sound familiar?

• Make enough money to cover rent and pay the bills
• Not make a fool of myself in my upcoming job interview
• Find someone who can tolerate me as a partner

If you can relate to these lines of thinking, ask yourself: What would be ideal?

• Making enough money to comfortably afford the wants and needs of you and your family?
• Excelling in your interview, clearly establishing yourself as the candidate?
  Or perhaps applying for a better job or starting that dream business?
• Finding a compatible life partner who loves you wholeheartedly?

You decide what's right for you. That's the easy part.

The real challenge is claiming it once you do.

I'll leave you with this: